Technology has once again one-upped me.

In a former life, I wrote technical documents—white papers—for electrical engineers for five years and instruction manuals that were used in home construction around the nation. You’re welcome. Expertise takes different forms, and mine is in forming sentences. The engineers supplied all the science-y numbers that make buildings happen.

All I know is that I have spent the last eight hours mourning the imminent death of my cell phone, which is going to come when I jump up and down on it. For those of you taking notes, all none of you, I only just recently acquired this smartphone, which has given us all some beautiful photos for this website and my Instagram page. Perhaps it will again, if I do not jump up and down on it.

The symptom: the phone, a Galaxy 6S, has decided that its SIM card, which it does not have, is invalid, which it can not be, as it does not have one. The phone announced this a few times last night by illuminating our room, something I addressed by putting it face down, when it decided to add a sound effect to the show.

(I may not be technologically inept, but I am technologically inept at 1:45 a.m.)

I restored the phone to its factory settings, and it started rebuilding itself from scratch when it announced, once again, that its SIM card, which it does not have, is invalid, which it can not be, as it does not possess one. I am on my third or second attempt (it feels like my fourth) at restoring it. Each time, that “Invalid SIM” error message has appeared. Each time that “Invalid SIM” message appears, a little piece of my mind falls out of my head and shatters on the floor.

Coincidentally, this is what calling Sprint customer service is going to feel like, as well. (I apologize to anyone who works for or loves someone who works for Sprint. Here you were just minding your business and reading this column for whatever reason and boom! I drove a bus right over your feet. Either you or that person you love—despite their employment history with Sprint, which is very generous of you, I must say—might be attempting to help me later today or tomorrow.)

I would like to think that my phone is playing an early April Fool’s Day prank on me, but my phone gave no indications that it has a sense of humor before this.

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