A Hot Drink for My Cold Heart

“But what is it?” my friend asked.

I repeated what I had just said: “It’s a Starbucks ‘Caramel Apple Spice.'” (I think I even said “Starbucks,” even though we were at that moment sitting in a Starbucks and we certainly knew where we were, because it is impossible to mistake a Starbucks for any other anything. But sometimes when I open my mouth, an advertisement flies out.)

“Yes, but caramel apple spice what? Coffee? Tea? Soup?”

I did not have an answer. What is it indeed? “I don’t think it’s coffee.” I fell back on the charm of insane repetition, something I have not perfected over the years: “Its a Starbucks Caramel Apple Spice,” and I used my eyebrows to tell my friend that she wanted her own one, too. (Picture Groucho Marx.)

She did not buy one.

I added: “It’s like a hot apple pie in a cup.”

To me, this is a good thing.

Of course, since this particular restaurant chain is very large and can charge any price it may want to and somehow always turn a profit, it opts to charge a price that sits just on this side of “I need to speak with a loan officer.” A “grande,” which in Starbucks-speak is a not-at-all-large, costs several dollars more than I usually have access to. (The old joke is that the only thing grande about a grande at Starbucks is the price.) Four dollars for 16 ounces.

And those 16 ounces convey 360 calories of not much of anything that a body needs or can use, especially if one orders it with whipped cream, and why would one order it without that? That’s like buying a new car but without windows. The only part of the human body that enjoys or needs any of this is the mouth, because it is delicious.

The venti is 20 ounces, which is four ounces heavier and somehow almost a dollar more expensive. I have had one venti Caramel Apple Spice in my entire life, because a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do sometimes.

I have had approximately 10 of the grande, the not-gonna-call-it-medium size. It is one of Starbucks’ seasonal treats, and the particular season, Autumn, is here. Even the advertising copy from Starbucks emphasizes this: “If you’re longing for the toasty warmth of a woolly blanket and crackling fire but don’t have the luxury of escaping to a cabin, we suggest a freshly steamed Caramel Apple Spice. Prepared from 100% pressed apple juice sweetened with cinnamon syrup, whipped cream and our own buttery caramel sauce, it strikes a soothing balance between sweet and tart that never fails to hit the spot.” This does not describe me. My experiences of cabins and crackling fires most frequently involved escaping FROM them and not to them.

Tart? At most, there is a hint of tart in the concoction, which I believe the barista achieves by opening a dictionary to the page that has the definition of the word “tart” on it and holding the book open to that page while drizzling in the caramel sauce.

So once a month in the late-autumn or early-winter, when that first fire in a fireplace feels exciting and new instead of a grudging drudgery, I allow myself one grande, one hint of a romanticized Autumn that I have never actually lived, without regret.

* * * *
There are quite a few websites that offer recipes for do-it-yourself renditions of the Starbucks concoction; one does not need to spend several dollars per not-medium cup. I don’t care. Part of the appeal is getting one there. When my girlfriend and I drive past a Starbucks this time of year, she asks me, “Do you want your apple pie in a cup tonight?” That’s worth it, too.

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The WordPress Daily Prompt for December 13 asks, “Tell us about a guilty pleasure that you hate to love.”

The WordPress Daily Prompt for November 9 asks, “What’s the one guilty pleasure you have that’s so good, you no longer feel guilty about it?”

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7 comments

  1. Lola · November 9, 2015

    Hi, Mark
    Just so I’m clear, there is no coffee in this drink, is that correct?
    This is a fun read with great LOL’s … thanks! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fannie Frankfurter · November 9, 2015

    I’m one of those folks who prefers my drinks without the whipped cream. This sounds delicious though.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Damien Riley · November 9, 2015

    It actually sounds great. I’m a minimalist who likes black or cafe au lait.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. rogershipp · November 9, 2015

    Sounds delicious… Hold on to your seat…. I have never had a Starbuck’s drink… Nor been in a Starbucks. You can breathe now.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lifelessons · November 9, 2015

    Well, you’ve convinced me. I could count the number of Starbucks i’ve been in on one hand, but your apple pie in a cup sounds pretty good. Perhaps when I go to Phoenix for Xmas! They do have a Starbucks in the Guadalajara airport, but I never met a cup of coffee that was worth $4–especially really strong coffee like most of these fancy coffee places brew. But apple pie in a cup. That’s really just dessert you don’t have to chew. But wait. Bet Starbucks has apple pie, too. Perhaps I do want apple pie I can chew!!! On the other hand . . . .http://judydykstrabrown.com/2015/11/09/old-sins/

    Liked by 1 person

  6. loisajay · November 9, 2015

    Nothing ticks me off more than when my husband and I go to the Starbucks in our friendly Barnes & Noble (as opposed to the two stand alone Starbucks we pass to get to B&N), and I struggle with the ‘seasonal’ menu and all he orders is a small black coffee. Seriously.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lindsay · November 9, 2015

    Clearly I need to try this apple pie in a cup!

    Liked by 1 person

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