“The least controversial thing you can post is a photo of me? I’m dubious. The most controversial thing you do around me is brag about having opposable thumbs. If hate was a thing, I would do some hate. Is that how you say that?” I am glad I photographed Planet Kitty a couple years ago making her “dubious” face at me.

This blog (typed with my thumbs, because I can, Planet Kitty! I can) regularly publishes controversial posts. What follows is a lightly edited version of “A Conspiracy Theory of Conspiracy Theories,” a column that was published January 31, 2014.

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It is a conversational moment that I have come to dread over the years, the moment I learn too much about what is going on inside the head of a new acquaintance whom I so much want to respect.

The other night my girlfriend and I were chatting over dinner with a new friend of ours about many topics, and the two of them were finding with greater and greater rapidity and excitement that they shared opinions and even a mindset; they were having an “I knew I knew why I liked you” moment, and our new friend even said those very words out loud.

I sensed what was coming. Our friend’s shoulders relaxed, she drew us in closer and spoke loudly because of her new confidence in us, “I knew I knew why I liked you. You think like me! You probably know all about the chemtrails and what they are doing to our water and food.” My girlfriend continued smiling but betrayed no such shared knowledge. “You know, how they’re killing us for money. It’s outrageous what they’re doing to us all. Every day at noon you can see the planes over us.”

I was surprised but not shocked. It was not the first time I had heard someone I thought was a rational-minded person with unimpaired critical thinking skills give voice to approximately three conspiracy theories in ten words or less.

(Come with me over here for a sec, please. Thanks. There are real outrages in our world and society, of course. Before those of you who feel legitimate outrage about “Big Pharma” and its effect on modern medicine … or those of you with gripes about corporate agriculture [Big Agri] and its effect on our ecology, economy, and general health … or those of you who feel that our various layers of government present heavy-handed restrictions on fair-minded business people or conversely think any restrictions are infuriatingly not heavy at all … before you decide to take up arms and keyboard and aim angry words attempting to correct my insouciant attitude about the threats these pose to our greater welfare, please re-read the clauses opening this extra-long sentence. And please read on. There are legitimate dangers in this ever-complicated world, and I am outraged by them. I vote my conscience. I write letters and this blog, and I sign petitions. I have marched and I will again. [Well, maybe it’ll be in a wheelchair.] We do not need belief in ever-complicated conspiracies posed by a mysterious and infernal “them” and “they” to get in the way of believing—and better yet: knowing—that maybe just possibly we can affect what “they” are doing to our lives.)

(I am glad I found that soapbox nearby; now, can someone help me down from it?)

When one lives in the Northeast, as I do, during every winter storm one hears this sentence at least too many times to count: “Heh. So much for global warming.” I have heard people who have explained to me fairly complex physical realities (okay, indoor plumbing) utter this inane sentence as if they do not understand the difference between our Hudson Valley weather on a given Tuesday in January and a global climatological condition. Come summer, these people inevitably give voice to the opposite idea, without minding the contradiction, when they note, “Summers seem warmer than when I was a kid.” Same idea: one noticing a warm day with a different body than the one you had 50 years ago is not global climate change, either. Not in New York State, not yet. The fact two hurricanes reached the Northeast two years in a row might have something to do with human-caused global climate change, and it might not. The fact that the average temperature around the entire planet for the entire year is warmer than when we were younger … well, we know that that is leading to weird local weather.

We all want to feel in possession of some special insight or know that our facts are more fact-y than other peoples’, to feel that we know more than the people “in the know”—our elected officials, our scientists, our religious leaders. Because there is so much dogma in our daily lives, we think that everything we read or hear is dogmatic in turn. From Will Rogers to Lewis Black through every heroic iconoclast of the last several generations, we have taught ourselves that we “know better,” that we must “question authority,” but without questioning one authority: our own. We as individuals may in fact know better, but this only comes through a skeptical weighing of all evidence, including one’s own state of mind and knowledge.

I admit that as a skeptic, I question questioning authority. I question my own authority, which makes writing this post a tad ironic. What do I know?

I am by nature a non-confrontationalist, so when I learn that someone I have been getting to know possesses a conspiratorial mindset—is a person who treats beliefs as facts—I shut down and do not involve myself in any debate over the merits of the thinking. If you already think that water fluoridation is a part of a government plot to make people submissive subjects, instead of what it is, I am not going to get into a detailed discussion about the number of gallons of distilled water we need to start consuming.

Instead, I will make slightly agreeable-sounding sounds that can be easily mistaken for words and statements by my interlocutor but in fact are not. I will modulate my sigh so that it sounds like a sentence. I will find the soonest conversational exit, which is what my girlfriend and I did with our new friend the other evening. Before we learned too much more about her worldview, because I still wanted to have some intellectual respect for the friend and myself.

Maybe I should engage people more forcefully and in the name of logic and skepticism … no. No. No! Because, often, the other person has come to these insights and beliefs by employing the tools of critical thinking, which is the damn shame of it. They think that they are questioning authority by reflexively denying the possibility that the facts as presented by authorities are in fact facts. This is a way of thinking as blind as automatically assuming that anything and everything we are told by authorities is true.

It is as if there is an item on the critical thinking checklist that is ticked off every time we declare ourselves a “skeptic,” but only of the official line. By reflexively believing that there is something more complicated going on than we are being told, we cheer ourselves into believing we are thinking for ourselves.

Myself, I love, absolutely adore, thinking that does not involve thought. It gets me to really not work out those mind-muscles at all; it’s like keeping my gym membership updated to get in the sauna. For me, some forms of gambling scratch the same thinking itch in my head, and they feel the same way as what one might call “conspiratorial skepticism”—the game of roulette, for example. There are books and pamphlets you can spend money on that outline patterns one should be aware of and gambling best practices one should adhere to at the roulette table. But you know what the most detailed, complicated thought I have ever had at the roulette wheel is? “I like 4. I think I’ll bet on it.” Period.

It is not critical thinking to posit that simply because the “government denies it” certain fabulous tales must be true. In logic, there is a principle called “Occam’s razor,” which simply states that among several hypotheses, the one requiring the reader to make the fewest assumptions is the one to pursue. Are those lights in the sky vehicles from light-years away? or something earth-based? The earth-based explanation might be less complicated, but you know something? It might be more truly frightening and true.

Are the patterns of condensation left in an airplane’s wake a part of a nefarious plot to poison the populace into a submissive agreeability from the sky? Without evidence, this asks us to assume quite a few things.

Is our government poisoning us into a state of dependence on it? I do not know, and I do not see evidence to support it, but isn’t the idea that corporate agriculture, in the name of the profit motive, producing food with ever less nutrition per volume in fact scarier? It is. Yet that sentence is the one that asks us to take action and do something for ourselves, because we can still.

Somehow, underneath it all, I am an optimist.

My conspiracy theory of conspiracy theories is that the powers that be prefer us speculating wildly about hidden plots and nefarious powers “behind the scenes” and thinking that the fake-knowing is enough. They love it when we think we are doing something but aren’t. In the 1990s, one of my co-workers at a bookshop used to angrily relocate the paperback sci-fi books inspired by “The X-Files” TV series from Fiction to Non-fiction, which was daft. My conspiracy theory is that this is exactly the sort of angry fake fight corporate America wants us to wage. Because then, the only causes we might be willing to take to the streets over (putting the “X-Files” books in the Non-fiction section, say) will certainly divert us from real life and real action and casting real votes.

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  1. abodyofhope · April 21, 2015

    Ha! I feel so similarly to you. This was so well written, as always and you made me smile and I definitely needed some sarcasm injected into my day.
    I have so much trouble entertaining conspiracy theory for any length of time. The trend now is: it’s all Obama’s fault. Why not just blame everything on the president, right? Or how about: gluten? I’m going to take it old school and bring back the ozone layer 😉 Thanks for another awesome post! Have a brilliant day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Evan Mather · April 21, 2015

    Contrails are clouds formed when water vapor condenses and freezes around small particles (aerosols) that exist in aircraft exhaust. Some of that water vapor comes from the air around the plane; and, some is added by the exhaust of the aircraft. The exhaust of an aircraft contains both gas (vapor) and solid particles. They are also a by-product of government mind control.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. loisajay · April 23, 2015

    Your writing just cracks me up. It is all so serious and then you throw in ‘indoor plumbing’?? And I go back to the beginning and start all over again. I am a big believer in stopping them in their tracks with an eye roll and an, “Oh, God. Are you serious?” Yeah, I definitely have fun with them. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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